Judgmental me

I have felt for a long time I was trying to change who I was and I felt bad that I didn't really care about the outside world anymore.  I have a hard time with daily conversations with people.  I hate hearing about things like this person said this about this person.. gossipy non-helpful information.  I have lost respect for many people who once were a part of my life.  There are people who just don't care about being an asset to this world.  They just exist to exist.  And I don't understand that.  My daughter didn't have a chance - then there are people just wasting away their life being upset and miserable.

I know I am a judgmental person.  I always have been to a certain extent - but now I am 100% more.  I want people in my life who add to it.  I want people who inspire me.  Moms who love being a mom.  Women who make a difference each day by existing.  People who step and do things that others say is too much work.  Women who have gone thru tragedy but found a way to turn it into something.  Women who love life.  When I read about someone who have decided to do something important in this world - who help others, who volunteer, who make life matter  - I want that in my life.  I need that in my life.

I need people who get that I need order in my life.  It is okay that I feel I need to have things in their place - the house clean. It doesn't mean I think I am better than others.  It just means I need organization in order to handle the chaos that having so many kids can bring.

 I need to not have people help me and then throw it back in my face.  I recently overheard a conversation at one of my social gatherings which truly upset me.  Someone was going on about how they helped me and made it sound like it was such a burden when I have helped this person before.  It made me so mad that I almost came unglued in front of everyone.  I thought to myself - why help me if you just want to throw it back out and make a big deal about it.  Especially since I don't like to ask for help in the first place.  I realized right then that I need to make sure the people I have around me really are the kind of people I need in my life.

 I want people I can count on.  I have issue with people who say they will do something and then don't.  It is a huge step for me to ask for help.  When I ask for it I need to know it is not something that later I will kick myself for doing.  I beat myself up when I have to last minute make other plans because I asked for help.  I would rather not allow someone to disappoint me.

I need to be truthful to what I want and need.  I can't pretend anymore and try to force myself to be this person who gets along with everyone.  I accept that it means I will lose people in my life.  I accept that people will think I am being judgmental.  I accept that I expect too much from people.  But getting upset because someone has let me down isn't working anymore.  I would rather move on and allow anyone I might make mad move also.  I don't want to hurt anyone and I know that at this point in my life, I have to be truthful.