After Megan

 

When my daughter Megan died 3 years ago, my sister got me a journal to write my thoughts down.  At first it was extremely hard to write because I couldn't stop crying to see what I was writing  My handwriting is terrible in the beginning.  I wrote in it for about a year.  I don't really look at it now.  But sometimes I do just to see how far I have come since that first year.

I decided I would start a blog to help me process thoughts especially since lately I have been a little like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon.  My life has settled down - my grief is lessened - and I am figuring out what I really want from life.  The day my daughter died - I began to change and I am just now feeling like I have settled into that person.  I am learning to accept who I am and being okay with it.

Some may feel I am different in bad ways - there are some things I am trying to adjust still.  I think I was always this person deep down but circumstances brought it fully out.  I have never been good at being a girlfriend with all my girl friends - I didn't really fit in most of the time when there was a group of girls  Didn't really enjoy all the gossip and pettiness that seemed to go with being part of a group.  I had some really good friends that at times I distanced myself from.  I liked to be alone most of the time to be honest.  It was easier.  I tend to not have too much patience for things especially things that seem to be a waste of time.

I am also a do-er.  I don't understand people who complain constantly and do nothing to change whatever they are upset about.  I know people thought I was insane after Megan died and I went on my full course of action to figure out what my future was.  I read every single thing I could get my hands on about child death.  I reached out to people all over to ask them about what it was like years later.  I needed the information.  I remember sitting on the ground at Disneyworld reading an email from someone who had lost a child almost a year before I did - I read her words as if it was the only thing to read in the world.  I needed to know that people survive something like losing a child.  I wanted to see a grief counselor immediately.  I had my first two sessions even before Megan's memorial service.  It was important to me to have a plan in place - I needed to know what to do next.

I looked for others to contact - I needed support of those who understood - who could give me real life suggestions.  I needed inspiration  I needed to know I could do this.

I also knew that I wanted more children.  People I know thought I was wanting to replace Megan.  This was not even a remote possibility in my mind.  No one would replace my daughter  I knew that if I didn't have something to focus on - something to make me wake up in the morning - some hope - some joy - I would never make it.  And I wanted my children to know that even in the worst nightmare, you can experience joy again.

So I began the IVF process all over again.  I did things a little differently doing genetic testing because I wanted to spare myself the heartache of miscarry if I could.  I also wanted to know my real chances of having another baby.

It was a very hard process.  Anyone who has done IVF knows how hard it is.  However with all the other emotions I was going thru after losing Megan - I was a wreck at times.  But I kept it together and I ended up with 3 perfect embryos.  I made the decision to transfer 2 embryos even though I knew the risks and the chance of twins.  I was actually very excited to hear that I was going to have twins again.  And luckily everything went well.  Emily and Jason came into the world a little over a year after I had lost Megan.

The bigger decision was the fact I had 1 embryo left and was already 40 years old.  I had just had twins.  After losing Megan there was no way on earth I would be able to live with leaving that embryo behind to be destroyed.  Due to my age and the fact there was only 1 left, I could not donate.  So even though I think everyone who knew me thought I was crazy, I went back when Emily and Jason were 9 months old to do my final transfer.

Kelsey Marie was born in Nov 2015 and she is the final piece to my puzzle.  Yes I have 4 under the age of 5.  I have 3 in diapers.  And my life is crazy but I am very happy with my life.  I love these little beings with all that I have to give.  I don't think anyone is a replacement for Megan.  I think of Megan every single day.  I wish she was still here.  I miss her like crazy wondering what she would be like if she was here.

I also know the chances of Emily, Jason, and Kelsey being here if Megan was - are 0.  I was done after Megan and Matt.  So it is a double edged sword.  I can't imagine my life without them - and so part of me accepts that Megan is gone because of this change in my world.