Focusing on positive

Today I didn't want to get out of bed.  Last night I had to get up a couple times with the baby plus Matt woke up with leg pains.  I was exhausted.  I got up not wanting to accomplish much.  However I have been trying to get a grip on things and focus on the positive things in life.  So I got everyone up, fed them breakfast, got my shower done, gave baths, and even jumped on the elliptical for 15 minutes straight without anyone doing something to make me have to get off.

Before I knew it my day was actually going well.  Sometimes I just need a little push in the right direction.  But it is up to me to make that happen which can be hard at times.

I know there are people in much worse situations - there are people who get up every day despite illness which can be painful.  There are people battling cancer, long term disease, or other illness that makes getting up hard.  There are people waking up like I did 3 years ago trying to figure out how to make it thru the fact their child is no longer here.  There are people all over who are hurting so I need to get my butt out of bed and make my day a good one.

When I work out on the elliptical I like to read motivational pieces.  Whether it is little quotes or stories that make me get inspired.  It helps set me in the right mood.  It has been helping - I have been making these changes over the past few months.  I feel better.  I feel more focused and alive.

I will just keep plugging away - focusing on the positive each day.

Judgmental me

I have felt for a long time I was trying to change who I was and I felt bad that I didn't really care about the outside world anymore.  I have a hard time with daily conversations with people.  I hate hearing about things like this person said this about this person.. gossipy non-helpful information.  I have lost respect for many people who once were a part of my life.  There are people who just don't care about being an asset to this world.  They just exist to exist.  And I don't understand that.  My daughter didn't have a chance - then there are people just wasting away their life being upset and miserable.

I know I am a judgmental person.  I always have been to a certain extent - but now I am 100% more.  I want people in my life who add to it.  I want people who inspire me.  Moms who love being a mom.  Women who make a difference each day by existing.  People who step and do things that others say is too much work.  Women who have gone thru tragedy but found a way to turn it into something.  Women who love life.  When I read about someone who have decided to do something important in this world - who help others, who volunteer, who make life matter  - I want that in my life.  I need that in my life.

I need people who get that I need order in my life.  It is okay that I feel I need to have things in their place - the house clean. It doesn't mean I think I am better than others.  It just means I need organization in order to handle the chaos that having so many kids can bring.

 I need to not have people help me and then throw it back in my face.  I recently overheard a conversation at one of my social gatherings which truly upset me.  Someone was going on about how they helped me and made it sound like it was such a burden when I have helped this person before.  It made me so mad that I almost came unglued in front of everyone.  I thought to myself - why help me if you just want to throw it back out and make a big deal about it.  Especially since I don't like to ask for help in the first place.  I realized right then that I need to make sure the people I have around me really are the kind of people I need in my life.

 I want people I can count on.  I have issue with people who say they will do something and then don't.  It is a huge step for me to ask for help.  When I ask for it I need to know it is not something that later I will kick myself for doing.  I beat myself up when I have to last minute make other plans because I asked for help.  I would rather not allow someone to disappoint me.

I need to be truthful to what I want and need.  I can't pretend anymore and try to force myself to be this person who gets along with everyone.  I accept that it means I will lose people in my life.  I accept that people will think I am being judgmental.  I accept that I expect too much from people.  But getting upset because someone has let me down isn't working anymore.  I would rather move on and allow anyone I might make mad move also.  I don't want to hurt anyone and I know that at this point in my life, I have to be truthful.

After Megan

 

When my daughter Megan died 3 years ago, my sister got me a journal to write my thoughts down.  At first it was extremely hard to write because I couldn't stop crying to see what I was writing  My handwriting is terrible in the beginning.  I wrote in it for about a year.  I don't really look at it now.  But sometimes I do just to see how far I have come since that first year.

I decided I would start a blog to help me process thoughts especially since lately I have been a little like a butterfly coming out of its cocoon.  My life has settled down - my grief is lessened - and I am figuring out what I really want from life.  The day my daughter died - I began to change and I am just now feeling like I have settled into that person.  I am learning to accept who I am and being okay with it.

Some may feel I am different in bad ways - there are some things I am trying to adjust still.  I think I was always this person deep down but circumstances brought it fully out.  I have never been good at being a girlfriend with all my girl friends - I didn't really fit in most of the time when there was a group of girls  Didn't really enjoy all the gossip and pettiness that seemed to go with being part of a group.  I had some really good friends that at times I distanced myself from.  I liked to be alone most of the time to be honest.  It was easier.  I tend to not have too much patience for things especially things that seem to be a waste of time.

I am also a do-er.  I don't understand people who complain constantly and do nothing to change whatever they are upset about.  I know people thought I was insane after Megan died and I went on my full course of action to figure out what my future was.  I read every single thing I could get my hands on about child death.  I reached out to people all over to ask them about what it was like years later.  I needed the information.  I remember sitting on the ground at Disneyworld reading an email from someone who had lost a child almost a year before I did - I read her words as if it was the only thing to read in the world.  I needed to know that people survive something like losing a child.  I wanted to see a grief counselor immediately.  I had my first two sessions even before Megan's memorial service.  It was important to me to have a plan in place - I needed to know what to do next.

I looked for others to contact - I needed support of those who understood - who could give me real life suggestions.  I needed inspiration  I needed to know I could do this.

I also knew that I wanted more children.  People I know thought I was wanting to replace Megan.  This was not even a remote possibility in my mind.  No one would replace my daughter  I knew that if I didn't have something to focus on - something to make me wake up in the morning - some hope - some joy - I would never make it.  And I wanted my children to know that even in the worst nightmare, you can experience joy again.

So I began the IVF process all over again.  I did things a little differently doing genetic testing because I wanted to spare myself the heartache of miscarry if I could.  I also wanted to know my real chances of having another baby.

It was a very hard process.  Anyone who has done IVF knows how hard it is.  However with all the other emotions I was going thru after losing Megan - I was a wreck at times.  But I kept it together and I ended up with 3 perfect embryos.  I made the decision to transfer 2 embryos even though I knew the risks and the chance of twins.  I was actually very excited to hear that I was going to have twins again.  And luckily everything went well.  Emily and Jason came into the world a little over a year after I had lost Megan.

The bigger decision was the fact I had 1 embryo left and was already 40 years old.  I had just had twins.  After losing Megan there was no way on earth I would be able to live with leaving that embryo behind to be destroyed.  Due to my age and the fact there was only 1 left, I could not donate.  So even though I think everyone who knew me thought I was crazy, I went back when Emily and Jason were 9 months old to do my final transfer.

Kelsey Marie was born in Nov 2015 and she is the final piece to my puzzle.  Yes I have 4 under the age of 5.  I have 3 in diapers.  And my life is crazy but I am very happy with my life.  I love these little beings with all that I have to give.  I don't think anyone is a replacement for Megan.  I think of Megan every single day.  I wish she was still here.  I miss her like crazy wondering what she would be like if she was here.

I also know the chances of Emily, Jason, and Kelsey being here if Megan was - are 0.  I was done after Megan and Matt.  So it is a double edged sword.  I can't imagine my life without them - and so part of me accepts that Megan is gone because of this change in my world.

About my blog

I have 7 children.

1 is a freshman in college.

1 is a junior in high school

1 is turning 4 next month

2 are twins that are turning 2 next month

1 is 5 months old

1 is no longer with us.  She died when she was 20 months old from SUDC.  That happened 3 years ago.

My life is crazy.  I am what I have found out is a type A personality.  I crave knowledge on organizing, cleaning, cooking, be a better person, be a good mom, and making a difference in this world.  I want to help those who have lost children - those who want to work from home - I want to be someone that inspires others.

I really am starting this blog because I want record of my life - and I need someplace to put my thoughts.  I have found other moms' blogs helpful so maybe mine my help others.